You may have noticed that today is Hallowe’en. I couldn’t resist an opportunity of commemorating this somehow and an idea popped into whatever could be called my brain.
May I present to you:
THE 5 SCARIEST-LOOKING FOOTBALL GAMES ON THE PS1!
5 – All-Star Soccer (boxart)
The game itself isn’t that horrifying to look at but that front cover is something else. Truly awful 90s CGI combined with caricatures vaguely reminiscent of Spitting Image puppets that have started to rot. That and the nose on the Cantona-esque fizzog just left of centre looks rather phallic. Not helped by his ridged brow looking like a pair of bollocks.
Not to mention the poor bloke on the far right – his mouth is going in at least five separate directions simultaneously.
The eyes on the floating disembodied head to the right of the Gullit analogue – he’s seen some shit, man.
4 – FIFA ’97
Pale, shambling, unblinking humanoid forms trying to fit into society and failing. This can mean one of several things – replicants, zombies, pod people – but all of them are deeply unsettling.
I can’t help feeling that EA were trying to revive the Mutant League franchise but forgot that they were supposed to knock out a FIFA game that year and hurriedly slapped the license on.
3 – Three Lions
No doubt, you’ll have read a story or watched a film where a murderer will wear the face(s) of their victim(s) either to hide their identity or as some kind of trophy.
Now imagine twenty-two of said murderers running around a pitch. It could only lead to one thing, really – a Battle Royale situation where a sole survivor emerges with 44 faces.
Also worth a mention – the giant shovel hands (perfect for bludgeoning) and huge chunks of flesh taken from the shoulders.
2 – Goal Storm
They have no faces.
Yet they stare deep…
deep into my soul…
1 – Olympic Soccer
See #2… also…
THEY HAVE KNIVES FOR HANDS!
STABBY, STABBY, STABBY!
Still not as terrifying as the idea of ever playing The Mission again, though. So there’s that.